Well tonight I'm setting here doing nothing but surfing the net....Hubby is in bed, (he get's up at 4:10 ) and is getting new tires put on the car in the morning...I'm trying not to feel lonely but I do....My best friend is really not my best friend anymore...I have finally accepted that...Yes it hurts but oh well, I'll deal with it....
This past year has been one thing after another and I am just drained....I could care less if I have a friend or not...Hubby is my best friend...We like it that way....
Well tomorrow is the visiting mom day...We are going to be out at Dad's about 2:00 and visiting mom about 3:00...She has a short nap about 1:30...
Last week, Heather and Sau'l, Jared and Ciara, Dad, Gordon and I went to see mom....It was awful....They haven't seen her in so long they acted scared of her...Mom was very worked up...She hadn't had her 2nd meds and was really out of control....I tried to let her hold my hand,..she would and then would push me away....She was trying to kiss my hand and she started biting me....I had to watch her very close.....She got ahold of my bracelet....no more bracelet....The beads went everywhere....
Sometimes I feel devastated by all this, then I have to remember God is in control and he knows what is best and things happen for a reason...We don't understand it but he does...I truely believe he will take care of it all....
I was talking to dad today...He is doing ok....Other than having 6 heart attacks, a pacemaker, open heart surgery, 20% of his heart working, he gets around good...He goes to see mom, daily....Thank God she is only about 15 min. away from him...The last place was actually right around the corner from Dad...When winter comes it may be harder for him...Then he will have to depend on us kids...He is so lonely...Poor dad...Back to my friend....She is going on vacation with this other friend....I cannot believe that she never even asked me...
I don't know why I even care....Maybe 40 years being friends may have something to do with it...Why did she do this to me....I am crushed....I have been there for her in everything...Her wedding, her daughter's birth, her parents deaths,.....I had my wedding without her, my kids were born and she wasn't there....My parents are very old and she never visits them...We practically grew up in each others houses,...my parents were like her's, her parents were like mine.....
Thank God for my amazing husband....Without him I would be crushed/devastated....
Now, I'm not usually such a whiner...That is why I am blogging....I'm normally a very happy, loving, beautiful person...A man at church actually calls me "Sunshine"...He said I always light up a room with my smiling...I try to be happy, but alzheimers has tried to destroy me, but it will not....Mom will be going to such an amazing place when she dies....Jesus will be there waiting to welcome her home....I know that, and know Mom will be happy when she finally goes home...
If you have never dealt with alzheimers....It brings out fear, hatred, anger, hopelessness, lonliness, it is the ultimate in the worst feelings.....God help me...Sometimes I feel like I'm going under....Please help me...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Why are girlfriends of my son so aggravating....I love this girl, but she has to have her way all the time....
She has made my sons life a living hell sometimes and he puts up with it...He is going into the Marine Corps and she is going to be a Vet.....They will be seperated for awhile, so we will see what happens...I would like to have her as a DIL someday but she needs to chill with some things.....I will let him make his own mind up because he wants to "be a man"...So I will gladly let him make his own mind up....Trying to not be an overbearing mother...
It doesn't help that I am PMS ing today....bad...I feel like I am losing my mind...Crying...Feel like an idiot....
How come kids can take and take and never want to give back.....All I would like is for my kids to visit my mom who has alzheimers and is in a nursing home...How much is that asking?? My husband and I go every single weekend to see her and then go over and help dad with the house......Where are my kids?? We have been there for them all their lives, now where are they when I need them....
Also where is my best friend?? She's syuck up another persons butt....Makes plans with me, then always has to cancel...Does she think I'm dumb?? I'm about that close to ending the friendship....But I have always been there for her also and she isn't here when I need someone....I was in her wedding, she missed mine,....I was there when she had her daughter, she missed all 3 of mine....I had surgery twice, she was never there.....I was there the night she had surgery....I was there when her dad got alzheimers and I visited him weekly with her....She hasn't seen my mom for about 14 years now...My mom has had alzheimers for about 10 yrs. now....If it wasn't for my wonderful. beautiful husband I would kill myself...Where is everyone when you need them....No where....
She has made my sons life a living hell sometimes and he puts up with it...He is going into the Marine Corps and she is going to be a Vet.....They will be seperated for awhile, so we will see what happens...I would like to have her as a DIL someday but she needs to chill with some things.....I will let him make his own mind up because he wants to "be a man"...So I will gladly let him make his own mind up....Trying to not be an overbearing mother...
It doesn't help that I am PMS ing today....bad...I feel like I am losing my mind...Crying...Feel like an idiot....
How come kids can take and take and never want to give back.....All I would like is for my kids to visit my mom who has alzheimers and is in a nursing home...How much is that asking?? My husband and I go every single weekend to see her and then go over and help dad with the house......Where are my kids?? We have been there for them all their lives, now where are they when I need them....
Also where is my best friend?? She's syuck up another persons butt....Makes plans with me, then always has to cancel...Does she think I'm dumb?? I'm about that close to ending the friendship....But I have always been there for her also and she isn't here when I need someone....I was in her wedding, she missed mine,....I was there when she had her daughter, she missed all 3 of mine....I had surgery twice, she was never there.....I was there the night she had surgery....I was there when her dad got alzheimers and I visited him weekly with her....She hasn't seen my mom for about 14 years now...My mom has had alzheimers for about 10 yrs. now....If it wasn't for my wonderful. beautiful husband I would kill myself...Where is everyone when you need them....No where....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My husband and I went yesterday to see mom....It was horrible...3 months later and mom is belted in a wheelchair with an alarm on her ankle and one on her belt around her waist....She was just in the hospital about a month ago from falling and hitting her head...When she hit her head she started bleeding in her brain...She was sedated for about 4 days while they watched her and took MRI's every day...She would be sleeping, then all of a sudden wake up look at me and say, "Your a pretty boy", which we got a kick out of since I am a 47 yr. old woman...Then back to sleep....Then she would wake up again...Once she said," I've always loved you"...I said I love you too mom...Then back to sleep again....
Once back at the nursing home they let her back up and the walking started again....Mom was walking probably 20 hours out of the day at this time......Seriously...Mom has lost so much weight and she eats only maybe 5 bites of food every meal...Then she's off to walk again.......
I go to see Mom every Saturday with my wonderful husband....If it wasn't for him, I would lose my mind....My hubby and I go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays...On Mondays we serve Spaghetti to people in the surrounding communities for $1.00 a plate, children 12 and under, free......All you can eat....Spaghetti, rolls, salad, and a dessert of the night and cold drinks and coffee...We don't do this to make money, we do it to share Jesus with those people and to help people with a meal a week, to help them be able to have a great meal for very cheap...We have a wonderful time every week....
This actually keeps my mind off of Mom in the home....I think of her so much during the day, my mind needs a break at times...
Once back at the nursing home they let her back up and the walking started again....Mom was walking probably 20 hours out of the day at this time......Seriously...Mom has lost so much weight and she eats only maybe 5 bites of food every meal...Then she's off to walk again.......
I go to see Mom every Saturday with my wonderful husband....If it wasn't for him, I would lose my mind....My hubby and I go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays...On Mondays we serve Spaghetti to people in the surrounding communities for $1.00 a plate, children 12 and under, free......All you can eat....Spaghetti, rolls, salad, and a dessert of the night and cold drinks and coffee...We don't do this to make money, we do it to share Jesus with those people and to help people with a meal a week, to help them be able to have a great meal for very cheap...We have a wonderful time every week....
This actually keeps my mind off of Mom in the home....I think of her so much during the day, my mind needs a break at times...
Mom
My mom used to be a pianist and a singer, now she sits in a wheelchair most of the day and moves herself around the nursing home.....My mom has alzheimers....
The first time I noticed anything amiss, my mom was over visiting and wanted to call my sister...She picked up our phone and said, How do you use this thing?"....I told her how and she stood looking at it in her hand...I told her again and she just looked at it.....After getting angry for her stupidness, I grabbed the phone, pushed in my sister's number and said, "Now just talk"....I got angry at her....I thought she was just being aggravating.....Mom had been aggravating since I can remember....My mom was very hateful at times....If us 4 kids bought anything for her for Mother's day, it was never good enough....We were always trying to please her...Nothing pleased mom...
I remember times going singing (we were traveling Gospel singers) and that is the only way we pleased our mom....Us kids singing...There are 4 of us, and our mom, and our dad...Growing up all of us kids were very close....Now that we are older, we try to stay close but it usually doesn't work...
Our dad was a gift from God when we were growing up......except that he gave in to mom all the time because he loved her...Mom always got her way....If mom thought we had lived at one house long enough it was pack everything up and move....I moved 20 times before I got married at 18 yrs. of age.....20 times...The longest we lived anywhere was 5 yrs.....
Dad still visits mom every day at the nursing home....He sits with her and talks to her and then goes home to an empty home....Moms piano sitting there, not being played for years...
A few years ago mom's dementia was getting bad (we didn't know how bad yet) and she told me she had bugs...I said Mom if you have bugs don't come over my house until they go away...I was mortified....The whole family believed this until she starting talking crazy....She said if she left a light on at night,aimed at her head, the bugs wouldn't crawl out of her head and eat on her skin......I could tell by talking to mom, that she believed this...Dad took her to a doctor and they said No there are no bugs, but here is a cream to put on your skin....She would sit and dig holes in herself with her fingernails, "trying to get the bugs out"...I told dad she was going crazy....Mom was finally diagnosed about 6 years after her first "weirdness"....There were many things she did and we didn't catch on until around 2004/2005....After realizing what was wrong with mom, dad took her to specialists ..They gave her a pill that was supposed to "slow down" the progression of the disease...
Even through all this dad took care of mom at home ...Around this time, mom had started peeing and pooping in her pants,...so dad bought adult diapers and that is what she wore...After dad started having heart problems again, he got put into the hospital...We found out he has got 20% of his heart working...so Mom had to go to a nursing home...All of us kids live in homes with steps, and with steps come falls for alzheimers patients....My sister tried to take care of mom for 2 days...It didn't work.....
The first visit to see mom was so very hard....I felt like I was having an anxiety attack...I started crying....It was horrible.....Horrible...She begged us not to leave her in there by herself...It was absolutely the worse thing ever...I have been through some things in my life but this probably takes the cake.....Horrible...
The first time I noticed anything amiss, my mom was over visiting and wanted to call my sister...She picked up our phone and said, How do you use this thing?"....I told her how and she stood looking at it in her hand...I told her again and she just looked at it.....After getting angry for her stupidness, I grabbed the phone, pushed in my sister's number and said, "Now just talk"....I got angry at her....I thought she was just being aggravating.....Mom had been aggravating since I can remember....My mom was very hateful at times....If us 4 kids bought anything for her for Mother's day, it was never good enough....We were always trying to please her...Nothing pleased mom...
I remember times going singing (we were traveling Gospel singers) and that is the only way we pleased our mom....Us kids singing...There are 4 of us, and our mom, and our dad...Growing up all of us kids were very close....Now that we are older, we try to stay close but it usually doesn't work...
Our dad was a gift from God when we were growing up......except that he gave in to mom all the time because he loved her...Mom always got her way....If mom thought we had lived at one house long enough it was pack everything up and move....I moved 20 times before I got married at 18 yrs. of age.....20 times...The longest we lived anywhere was 5 yrs.....
Dad still visits mom every day at the nursing home....He sits with her and talks to her and then goes home to an empty home....Moms piano sitting there, not being played for years...
A few years ago mom's dementia was getting bad (we didn't know how bad yet) and she told me she had bugs...I said Mom if you have bugs don't come over my house until they go away...I was mortified....The whole family believed this until she starting talking crazy....She said if she left a light on at night,aimed at her head, the bugs wouldn't crawl out of her head and eat on her skin......I could tell by talking to mom, that she believed this...Dad took her to a doctor and they said No there are no bugs, but here is a cream to put on your skin....She would sit and dig holes in herself with her fingernails, "trying to get the bugs out"...I told dad she was going crazy....Mom was finally diagnosed about 6 years after her first "weirdness"....There were many things she did and we didn't catch on until around 2004/2005....After realizing what was wrong with mom, dad took her to specialists ..They gave her a pill that was supposed to "slow down" the progression of the disease...
Even through all this dad took care of mom at home ...Around this time, mom had started peeing and pooping in her pants,...so dad bought adult diapers and that is what she wore...After dad started having heart problems again, he got put into the hospital...We found out he has got 20% of his heart working...so Mom had to go to a nursing home...All of us kids live in homes with steps, and with steps come falls for alzheimers patients....My sister tried to take care of mom for 2 days...It didn't work.....
The first visit to see mom was so very hard....I felt like I was having an anxiety attack...I started crying....It was horrible.....Horrible...She begged us not to leave her in there by herself...It was absolutely the worse thing ever...I have been through some things in my life but this probably takes the cake.....Horrible...
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