Feelings...

Well tonight I'm setting here doing nothing but surfing the net....Hubby is in bed, (he get's up at 4:10 ) and is getting new tires put on the car in the morning...I'm trying not to feel lonely but I do....My best friend is really not my best friend anymore...I have finally accepted that...Yes it hurts but oh well, I'll deal with it....
This past year has been one thing after another and I am just drained....I could care less if I have a friend or not...Hubby is my best friend...We like it that way....
Well tomorrow is the visiting mom day...We are going to be out at Dad's about 2:00 and visiting mom about 3:00...She has a short nap about 1:30...
Last week, Heather and Sau'l, Jared and Ciara, Dad, Gordon and I went to see mom....It was awful....They haven't seen her in so long they acted scared of her...Mom was very worked up...She hadn't had her 2nd meds and was really out of control....I tried to let her hold my hand,..she would and then would push me away....She was trying to kiss my hand and she started biting me....I had to watch her very close.....She got ahold of my bracelet....no more bracelet....The beads went everywhere....
Sometimes I feel devastated by all this, then I have to remember God is in control and he knows what is best and things happen for a reason...We don't understand it but he does...I truely believe he will take care of it all....
I was talking to dad today...He is doing ok....Other than having 6 heart attacks, a pacemaker, open heart surgery, 20% of his heart working, he gets around good...He goes to see mom, daily....Thank God she is only about 15 min. away from him...The last place was actually right around the corner from Dad...When winter comes it may be harder for him...Then he will have to depend on us kids...He is so lonely...Poor dad...Back to my friend....She is going on vacation with this other friend....I cannot believe that she never even asked me...
I don't know why I even care....Maybe 40 years being friends may have something to do with it...Why did she do this to me....I am crushed....I have been there for her in everything...Her wedding, her daughter's birth, her parents deaths,.....I had my wedding without her, my kids were born and she wasn't there....My parents are very old and she never visits them...We practically grew up in each others houses,...my parents were like her's, her parents were like mine.....
Thank God for my amazing husband....Without him I would be crushed/devastated....
Now, I'm not usually such a whiner...That is why I am blogging....I'm normally a very happy, loving, beautiful person...A man at church actually calls me "Sunshine"...He said I always light up a room with my smiling...I try to be happy, but alzheimers has tried to destroy me, but it will not....Mom will be going to such an amazing place when she dies....Jesus will be there waiting to welcome her home....I know that, and know Mom will be happy when she finally goes home...
If you have never dealt with alzheimers....It brings out fear, hatred, anger, hopelessness, lonliness, it is the ultimate in the worst feelings.....God help me...Sometimes I feel like I'm going under....Please help me...